Why George Michael's heart couldn't be sold on eBay

Since last week Anthony has been singing a song he’s heard from other kids at school. On a walk the other day he blared out:

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,

But the very next day, you sold it on eBay.”

What Roald Dahl reveals to my autistic son

I remember reading both the Magic Finger and Fantastic Mr Fox at school.  Honestly I couldn't remember much about the stories except that I was pretty sure they involved some magic.  So I'm not surprised that Anthony has also been reading, or at least listening to these books at school too.  But I am surprised that he learned so much from Roald Dahl himself.

An amazing England penalty shootout for our autistic son

My husband spent a good deal of the evening, pacing around the hall, unable to watch the TV.  His stomach of nerves was surely replicated across many households in England.

Our five year old autistic son was the first to mourn our dog passing

It's nearly two months to the day since our beautiful Beagle, Smithy, passed away.

He was past ten years old and had been having tummy problems for a few years.  He was on a special diet but was still sick every now and again. We think he may have eaten something when he was out as he suddenly got very sick and collapsed on the stairs.  We took him to the vets.  Little did I know that it would be the last time anyone in the family saw him.

Autistic Anthony's always to blame, problems on the school run

A quarter of people with autism are non-verbal. They don't talk at all and may use other methods of communication. Our eldest son Anthony can talk well. He attends a regular mainstream school.  But that doesn't mean he's always understood. His honesty and difficulty communicating often means that without someone there who understands him, he is blamed for what's gone wrong.

Such an event happened on our way to school last week. Our school run, like many family's, is a busy one. David goes to a specialist ASD unit but we are lucky that this is located half a mile on the otherside of Anthony's school. This means we drive to David's school and park then Jane goes in buggy and Anthony goes on his scooter while we run this get to Anthony's school on time.  Yes, every single school day we are seen running across a cemetery. The traffic is so bad that it is more consistent to cut through the cemetery, with many other parents, than it is to try and drive and find somewhere else to park. Without the scooter for Anthony, we would be late everyday.

But with the scooter comes an extra hazard. We have practice stopping at roads and missing objects a lot. 

"Stop at the road"

"Look out for the gentleman" 

"Say excuse me"

"Careful by the buggy" 

These things get hollered a lot. 

Anthony has slipped on ice once this year, but on Friday it appeared he'd scootered straight into a little girl walking to his school.  It happened soo fast. My view was blocked for a second as we past a tree and then suddenly the little was on the floor and Anthony was stood their apologising. "I'm sorry," he said. "I couldn't get past. I hit her."

The girl was probably about five or six.  She was very upset, there was a lot of tears.  The girl's mother was giving her lots of hugs and said that these things happen. She even said for us to go so as there was no need for us both to be late for school. I think mostly the girl was just a bit surprised, but it looked like she'd hurt her hand and bumped her knee as she had fallen. I couldn't help feel guilty. I should have been closer, I should have shouted more warnings to Anthony. 

Then by the time I'd dropped Anthony to his class and talked to him and Jane, who was still in buggy, about being careful, I felt guilty in a different way.

I saw some great quotes on Twitter from The National Autistic Society and the AutismCon on Saturday.   According to a speaker, 99% of public say they have some understanding of autism but 84% of autistic people feel they are not understood. 

By the time Anthony had got to school I had determined by some answers from him (but mostly by conversing with Jane who is nearly three in comparison), that the little girl had infact stepped in front of Anthony and thrown her hand out to the side to point at something. Anthony had been passing but still hit her hand.

Despite the mum having said that these things happen I still felt like I should have defended him in some way. I felt guilty for almost assuming he was to blame.  I wanted to bump into the lady on the way back to our car, though what would I have said? "Excuse me, actually it wasn't only my son's fault that your daughter got hurt?"  Of course not, because I think the same, these things happen.

Anyone when they are in a stressful environment or hurt can have difficulties communicating. People whose first language is not English but can converse in it perfectly well can have difficulty and revert to their native tongue when stressed or in pain.  It's the same for lots of kids. My son will revert back to basic communication. "I hit her." He absolutely did hit her hand. "I couldn't get past." Well, no, neither would I if a hand was suddenly thrust into my path. "I'm sorry." Of course, no one wants anyone else to be hurt. 

I guess mostly I'm just aware that one day, these difficulties might have more serious repercussions. He's not going to grow of autism. What if he was asked to make an instant police report or appear in court? What if he was involved in a car accident? And this brings up the other point I saw from AutismCon. John Wilson said, "How do you communicate you are different if you have challenges with communication?"

This is undoubtedly something my boys and countless other autistic people face. And we will have to figure out how to help them with this.  He can learn. In the meantime, I can be proud that Anthony was very truthful about his actions, he didn't try and hide from what had happened. I can be proud that he was concerned for the little girl that was hurt. I can be pleased that his sister was there to help clarify what has happened. And I can try harder to keep up with him, so I'm right there if something happens. 

How do your kids handle confrontation or stressful situations? 

Links

Our blog - Our terribly truthful child

Our blog - Anthony's first experience of guilt

Our blog - Autism and the misunderstandings of empathy

External links

National Autistic Society (NAS) - Conferences

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Never prouder of last place

Today was Anthony's first Swimming Gala.  Nearly 100 kids with Special Educational Needs (SEN) from nearly 20 schools took part in a borough wide inclusive swim competition.  Last night was Anthony's last swim lesson before his Gala and as his awesome swimming instructor couldn't get to the Gala it was me who was going to practice his race swim with him in the pool.

Yesterday Anthony had woken up with a terrible cold and I was a bit nervous that he might not make it to his lesson. By the time I'd got back from the school run, I was worried I wouldn't make it. I pretty much went straight to bed after I realised my headache was a migraine. I was very fortunate that Jane was at nursery so was able to go straight to bed.  I was just about able to function with the aid of a pile of painkillers for the afternoon school run. 

As I collected Anthony, I saw his cold was much better and he was all set for his last swim lesson before the Gala. Despite still feeling rotten, I wasn't going to let him down, so donned a swimsuit and headed to the pool. 

I still had the after effects of my migraine.  The lights in the pool pierced my eyes, the sounds echoed around my head and the chlorine made me feel a bit (more) sick. The pool was freezing cold, or at least that's how it felt and I was desperate not to get any water in my ears in case it hurt. I wanted everything to go smoothly and like normal please - nothing too complicated. 

But this was all about preparing Anthony. He had worn his swim team track suit to the lesson and we got undressed at the poolside just like he would need to do today.  And then after a short lesson, he and I went up and down the pool as Anthony practiced his race.  When he was happy and tired enough, we went home. 

If you've read, A lead pipe, a ball and a pair of feet, you'll know since Anthony has had lessons, his swimming has really come along. But he was very nervous about coming last in his race.  As he was going to be the youngest in his heat today this was entirely possible.

We have spent the last week talking about how racing is more about doing your best than winning. We have watched the 2012 Olympic backstroke finals several times and Anthony has watched some of the best swimmers in the world come last in their races on YouTube. He knew it was ok to come last but he was worried about it happening. 

Two pupils went with Anthony from his school.  He cheered them both brilliantly during their heats.  I was very proud of him when he took the effort to go and see one of his fellow pupils to congratulate them on winning their heat. He said he was very proud of them, and that made everyone smile. He got a kindness sticker when he got back to school for that. 

Anthony had waited three hours for his single length swim when we were finally called to get into the water. He had been grouped with boys who were older than he was, which happens at these events. Anthony is in Year 3, but the event allowed for up to Year 6. 

We both shivered as we got in. Anthony dunked his face in the water and then got into the 'take your marks' position.  The whistle sounded and he was off. 

For a short period he seemed to be travelling in a relatively straight line. 'Big arms and kick, kick, kick', I repeated over and over. He swam as best as I've ever seen. About half way down the length he traversed a bit but was still going ok. I glanced over and realised that indeed, Anthony would be last.  I winced ever so slightly but not enough to stop my persistent 'Big arms and kick kick kick' mantra that we had practiced to. As we past the five meter to go flags he said, "I'm nearly there" and a moment or so later he'd fumbled a bit and touched the end. 

I immediately gave him a massive grin and massive hug and told him he had been amazing. "Did I come last?" he asked. "Is that ok?" I asked. "Yes, because I really did my best mummy." 

Ok, hold it together I thought.  

As we got out the pool to the same round of cheers and congratulations that every single swimmer got, Anthony squinted as he took of his goggles. He was shivering and I grabbed his towel (I hardly noticed the cold, I was so hyped). I looked around and thought how amazing my son was. 

Yesterday I'd been a bit iffy when I went to the pool, but the things that bothered me are things Anthony as a child with ASD, ADHD and SPD overcomes every single time he goes swimming. The piercing bright lights, the cheers and echos, the cold water and strong smell of chlorine. 

He's not only learned to swim, he's learned to cope with all these sensory battles, learned to cheer and feel pride in the accomplishments of others and learned that doing his best is more important than winning.  

I could barely be prouder of my last place boy.  What was the last thing that made you realise your kid is just amazing?

Links
Our blog - A lead pipe, a ball and a pair of feet
Our blog - Autism and the misunderstandings of empathy

External Links
NAS - Sensory

Why it's important that I stopped eating the leftovers

Everyone does it. There's leftovers in the fridge. It's not a mealtime and you are a little peckish so you eat it. That's not so bad. My problem was I ate it before it came off the kids plates.  It's got to be fairly common for anyone with young kids but I started to realise I was eating two meals at each sitting in secret. I didn't feel great about it and as I started to think about it the more I realised it was important that I stopped.

When Jane was two we went along to one of the local Children's Centres for her two year check up. I'm not sure what they checked, it actually appeared to be a short parenting class. All the first time mums had questions that I could answer better than the health visitor.  Its even possible I corrected her about a local service when she got the details wrong. The only useful tip I got was about child sized portions. Apparently a portion is about the size of your fist. This goes for adults, kids and toddlers alike. This was great, Jane finally started clearing most of her plate. But then, she's not the problem plate.

Our eldest, Anthony, has Autistic Spectrum Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. He uses up a lot of energy, is super lean and so eats like a horse. His plate can easily be described as an adult size portion and virtually everyday he clears it. He's helped by the fact that he likes almost everything we put down to him. That's because we design it that way. Like his younger brother, he has issues around eating that aren't just being picky. He finds textures, particularly mixed textures difficult. He gets tired chewing food really easily. Strong flavours used to overwhelm him and he's also quite sensitive to the smell of the food.  This is great if it smells good.  He'll be excited about dinner before anyone else because he can smell it from elsewhere in the house, particularly if contains garlic.  Italian food is very popular in our home.  

So given this, Jane and Anthony were now eating most of their dinner. With only David's plate left why did I still feel like I needed to hide the fact that I was finishing his meal?

David, Anthony's younger brother also likes garlic. But only when it's on garlic bread. Like many kids with autism he has a restricted diet. He has many of the same issues Anthony has (or had), but worse. A while ago I noticed he was refusing more and more things, even some things he had eaten before. I began to think that if it continued my almost five year old child would only eat Shreddies, chicken nuggets and brown cola junky ice lollies. You may think I'm joking, but I knew of an autistic boy that only ate red baby food and cupcakes with blue icing. 

And so began the process of expanding David's diet. I'll write another time about our ABA type approach. Needless to say there is usually leftovers of rejected food everyday. I don't like waste, especially food waste, it seems so ungrateful to throw it away. I can't feed it to the dog, he's got 'food intolerances'. So I eat it. 

What's worse, is that it takes so long for David to eat the rest of the food he hasn't rejected and for us to trial through new foods that I'm usually left eating leftover food that's gone cold.  With a plastic spoon too. 

And what's a few mouthfuls? Well, I definitely don't need any more food so it's just pointless calories. But I'm also a bit of a stress eater. I think I've figured that eating the leftovers straight after they've been rejected (again) was quite depressing. It was like I was eating the failure.  I couldn't get him to eat something... again. It was as if  I had to hide what wasn't eaten. Like it was better to feel a bit guilty about eating the leftovers than feeling like a failure for not getting him to eat it.

Darling son. How dare I.

Once I realised that this wasn't a failure on anyone's part, once I saw a bit of progress was being made and once I knew that eating the remains of David's meals was making me feel bad, I suddenly felt better.

I now put David's half full plate under the pile of other plates in the sink. It's just a few mouthfuls and I still don't like throwing it away. But, it's better that I waste a forkful than waste my efforts on feeling like a flop.  David's adorable, and so are the other kids, so I can't be doing that bad a job.

Links
Our blog - Double Rainbow and Breakfast
Our blog - Are my kids in need of someone better?

External Links
National Autistic Society - Sensory issues

Anthony's first experience of guilt

If you have read 'Our terribly truthful child' you will know that Anthony is a seven year old boy with autism who has never told a lie, ever. But, that doesn't mean he has never done anything wrong.  And as of last week, it doesn't mean that he's never felt guilty either. 

One of Anthony's special interests, which is nearing an obsession at the moment, is playing a app game called Marvel Champions. Special interests are very common with autism. As Ambitious About Autism say, 'people with autism tend to be more all-or-nothing than most people: something is either absolutely not interesting or absolutely fascinating.' An obsession is a special interest taking over your life or your ability to function due to an inability to stop thinking about or doing your obsession. 

Marvel Champions is just on this border at the moment and it was this game that led to Anthony's first experience of guilt.  Usually Anthony only plays the game when his father is home. This allows some control for us. Sometimes Anthony's father can't be at home because of work or something else and then Anthony is allowed to play the game with certain restrictions. One of these restrictions is that Anthony is not allowed to spend the game tokens without asking his dad. So, if his dad isn't there then Anthony has to wait. 

Last week this proved to difficult and when asked to come down the stairs for dinner Anthony burst into tears. It took me a while to work out that Anthony wasn't crying because he'd accidentally spent his game tokens. He was upset because he was having difficulty reconciling the fact that he had chosen to spend the game tokens despite knowing he shouldn't. 

My son cried for nearly an hour. Then had his swimming lesson and then started crying again. At one point I thought we weren't going to get him to stop crying in order to get into the pool. His whole concern was about how sad and disappointed his dad was going to be. 

It's interesting that Anthony would get so upset by this. He barely blinks when he does some other things that 'disappoint' us like for example hurting his sister, or not trying to do homework. I think it's the first time he's really felt guilty about something. 

I'd tried several strategies and then finally told Anthony a story from when I was a little girl and did something similar and how I felt about the fact that it had upset my parents. Anthony was mesmerised. It culminated in a phone call to my own father to get him to re-tell the story again and explain how my own father had  felt about my 'crime'. 

In many ways I think this shows Anthony maturing. He has always struggled with interpreting his own and others feelings. My heart when out to him. Feeling guilty is awful, but in some way I'm pleased that he's been able to achieve this milestone and that I was allowed to work through it with him. 

Links
Our Blog - Our terribly truthful child
Our Blog - Autism and the misunderstandings of empathy

External links
Ambitious About Autism - Obsessions and Special Interests

Autism, facts and absolutes?

Yesterday was the 1st of December, and according to Anthony, who has autism, this meant it was now definitely 'Winter', he had to open a chocolate advent calendar and all the trees were dead.

Jane loves her autistic brothers

Jane is two and a half years old. Despite her young age she has already accomplished many more things than her older brothers.  This is because as yet, Jane is the only child in the family not facing the difficulties associated with a diagnosis of autism.   She's developing in a more neuro-typical way, talking in near sentences, enjoying social interaction and to my absolute joy, declaring love for her siblings.

Jane's eldest brother Anthony is seven and if you ask him if he loves his family he will tell you that of course he does. David is five years old and can tell you if he wants something, but not really if he either likes it or loves it. He is more likely to ask for a biscuit than his mother. This doesn't mean that the boys don't play with their younger sister. On the contrary, Jane being younger makes things easier for them.  Jane is able to be directed in play.  She will follow instructions and suggestions for play.  She's also up for anything fun like running around, wrestling and hiding. And she does it with an absolute joy than is infectious even to the boys. 

Don't get me wrong, playing with the boys can be challenging.  Both have sensory difficulties meaning than can be very physical in play. David can be fairly rough and his play repertoire is mostly adaptions of chase.  Anthony can be very demanding, games have to be played as he dictates and sometimes Jane has to put up with a fair amount of shouting when the simple rules aren't followed appropriately.  This is because Anthony enjoys repetition as it means he doesn't have to deal with the unexpected.  They were both diagnosed with ASD within a year when they were around three and four years old has meant we understand them better and are able to help them all play together.  Both boys also need their space too and it's not uncommon for poor Jane to be told 'I don't want to play with you right now.'

Jane had been told such a thing when I went to comfort her yesterday.  I asked her if she was sad because she liked playing with her brothers.  "Yes, I sad. I like playing with my brothers. I love them," she said.  Admittedly, she seems to 'love' everything at the moment. But despite this it was still one of those many times you have as a parent when you know you should have a sad face to show you empathise with your child but you've actually got a smile.  For despite her brother's behaviour being a bit odd, rough and sometimes seemingly mean, she still loves them, even at two and half years old.  I know she may find her brothers difficult to understand as she and they get older but I'll take a bit of love between them all right now. 

Links
Our blog - Normal Repetitive play, watching Jane's development
Our blog - Anthony's always aloud

External links
NAS - Sensory
NAS - Obsessions, routines and repetition

Potato handler and crumble creator - autism and interaction in the kitchen

We don't often do roast Sunday dinners in our house. We used to do them a lot but then there was a period of time when it just became too difficult. Not only were the kids not taking part in the dinner but they required constant assistance to stay off of one another, entertained or safe. There was almost a shift system and someone was always away from the table. Recently though whatever combination of child development stages led to this 'no Sunday roast zone' we had entered seemed to pass. And to my absolute delight our autistic five year old was actively interested in the return of our Sunday dinner preparations.

I don't think twice when Jane wants to 'help' me sweep the floor or do the vacuuming. My husband may not believe it but I do these jobs at least once most days. Jane has been 'helping out' for at least a year and she's only two and a half years old. It's because she is interested in interacting with me and her environment. She is not stressed by the noise of the vacuum cleaner or anything else on the house. We've been baking together for at least a year too. But it's not the same for David.

David has been diagnosed with ASD since he was three years old. Sometimes he cannot, and other times he may decide not to, interact with the world around him because he finds it too confusing or because it seems pointless. Let's face it; lots of people prefer to play on their IPads than engage in an actual conversation with someone. As David's verbal skills are very limited, I'm hardly surprised he is sat on the sofa while I'm peeling potatoes on the floor. One after the other the cleaned potatoes from the colander are peeled over a large bowl and then placed into a big pan to on the hob later.

 Jane has already asked what I'm doing a few times and after being satisfied that the game of flying to the moon she is playing is better than my activity, I'm left alone for a few minutes. Then David comes to sit opposite me. His first task is to investigate the potatoes. They are all emptied out of the colander and checked over before going back inside. David then looks at me for a bit before turning over and looking at me through his legs. This is one of the ways David likes to look at the world. Then as I'm finishing peeling a potato I use Makaton to sign 'potato'. He jumps up and hands me another one from the colander. "Thank you" I sign and say. But my grin is far more than a 'thank you' smile.

David returns to play with his IPad but spends the next 15 minutes guarding the colander from any would be thief and almost to the second, jumping up and handing me potatoes until they are all gone. Each time I am thrilled.

After I'd finished making the rest of the Sunday Roast, I started on pudding - rhubarb and pear crumble. David wonders into the kitchen and sees me measure out the ingredients for the crumble. I'm beginning to break up the butter and crumble it into the flour and sugar just like my mum taught me. Then David leaned up onto the counter and stuck his hand in the bowl to feel the texture and see what I was doing. Again I use Makaton to ask David if he wants to 'cook'. He seemed interested, so I immediately brought the bowl down onto the floor and David and I shared the bowl while he copied me pushing the butter through my fingers and into the flour and sugar.

This type of shared attention is so rare. It requires an interest in people, activities and a preparedness to share them with someone else. This is really difficult and new for David as it means seeing things from another person's point of view.

Honestly, if there had been nothing else to do I'd have peeled potatoes and made crumble all day. The crumble proved to be more fun than handing over potatoes and David was a bit disappointed when I finally needed to pour it over the fruit. And despite his valiant efforts, he didn't have roast potatoes or crumble for dinner as neither is yet in his acceptable food repertoire. But I saw a little boy excel himself. And I saw hope for independent living skills in my son. What a great Sunday roast I had this week.

Links
Our blog - Racing Clouds - David's Delight
External Links - Communicating and Interacting

Favourite Friday: Anthony's two minute silence 11 Nov 2015

If you've read 'Anthony's always aloud' you'll know that our seven year old son with ASD is always on maximum volume. His whole being is set up to move about and make noise. He is constantly balancing his sensory system and moves about so much he's currently also being assessed for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  This is also in recognition that he has difficulty focussing, listening to instructions and remaining on task. But on Remembrance Sunday he stunned his whole family by coming back from his club with a reward for being the quietest and most respectful during the two minute silence. Read more...

We've introduced 'Favourite Fridays'. Each Friday Rainbowsaretoobeautiful will publish the most popular post from the previous week.  If you missed it, then here's your chance to catch up. 

Too much in your inbox?  You can get Favourite Fridays instead of our daily posts.  Fill in the subscribe box here (Opens in a new window and only works on our full version site). 


Please note this post has been amended to include notes on how to help children on the autistic spectrum cope with world event's following the Paris attacks last week.

Racing clouds - David's delight

Today is a bright and blustery day.  But, generally it's been particularly stormy over the last few days.  There's been a lot of grey skies, and at night there have been some high winds. As I'm stood waiting to collect David from his school yesterday, I'm sheltering between a wall and a large minivan. It's not too cold but the sudden gusts seem pretty chill some. My squeaking son gets brought to the gate and while I'm huddled up and face down, he's bright eyed.  As I pick him up, he is extremely happy. We always encourage him to say goodbye to his teachers.  As I go to encourage his eye-contact with the teachers I see he's loving the weather. In fact for a few moments its almost impossible to stop him looking at the clouds.

In 'Sporting red plastic belt accessories for the holidays' I wrote about how both our autistic boys, Anthony aged seven years and his younger brother David aged five, are sensory seeking with relation to the sense of touch. They are hypo-sensitive or under sensitive to touch and so seek it out as a way of balancing their sensory system.  They are also both hypo-sensitive with their sense of sight. This means they seek visual stimulus. For example Anthony might wiggle his fingers near his eyes and David likes to look at objects from odd angles. It makes their visual experience more interesting. Some people with autism use this as a way of calming and balancing their system.  Some trains of thought also believe the intensity of the stimulation is  enjoyable.

We can all imagine something we 'like' to look at. The pleasure of a beautiful painting maybe, baby animals, autumnal trees?  But if you are one of the people that loves to watch as the leaves are blown off the trees to the point of not being able to look away, then you might get the idea.  Possibly you enjoy looking at beautiful flowers?  The best part of a bunch of flowers for me is the smell.  I could stand and breath in beautiful smelling flowers for at least a minute.  And that's probably the closest I come to this feeling of sensory satisfaction.

David was intensely watching the clouds.  It was only as I looked up at them that I saw how lovely they really were.  They were a variety of shades spanning  everything between periwinkle and ash blonde.  And I became aware of how fast they were moving.  It was like watching the people who walk on the travellators in airports. And I thought, how beautiful. David literally squealed with delight.  And then with a little more encouragement he looked back, waved goodbye to his teachers and skipped away with me.  

Once I'd retrieved the rest of the children it occurred to me that of the 1400 children and adults that were at the school at that moment, my son and I could have been the only two people to have enjoyed the sky right then.  In that moment, there was nothing that David found more enjoyable than to breadth in the sky. In some ways I wish I'd had more time to look at them with him.  My son may see the world differently to other kids but what he sees is amazing.

External Links
NAS - Sensory

As featured on:

 

Anthony's two minute silence

If you've read 'Anthony's always aloud' you'll know that our seven year old son with ASD is always on maximum volume. But on Remembrance Sunday he stunned his whole family by coming back from his club with a reward for being the quietest and most respectful during the two minute silence.

The hope I see in the kind acts of children

Performance has always been difficult for Anthony.  The pressure of a spectacle, the potential of failure and the large number of people are a lot to cope with.  We've always been very proud of Anthony's effort to participate in his class performances but I've noted that it's not only his increased ability to cope with summer concerts and Christmas plays that gives me hope for his future.  It's the actions of the other children too.

Read the updated version and rest of this post here.

External Links
NAS - Routines and resistance to change
NAS - The sensory world of autism

Understanding autistic siblings - it's starting with sleep

Many kids with autism have sleeping difficulties.  We've been dealing with them for many years.  In '5 tips to get more sleep when you have autistic kids', it seemed that one of the hardest things to deal with when you have autism in the family is exhaustion. There are many suggestions for helping kids with autism sleep. Sensory aids such as weighted blankets, routine changes or in some cases melatonin supplements.  

Rocky reality: Autism and imagination

We were so pleased when Anthony started using his imagination. It was something we absolutely encouraged. Suddenly Anthony was Tree Fu Tom, Ironman and then Anakin Skywalker. We recently watched the new Star Wars trailer. We watched and waited for the same questions, the questions we've taught Anthony ask so he is able to understand that the movie is not real.

Theory of mind - double rainbow and breakfast

Understanding why your child does something is important for all kids. Why did you pull her hair, not do your homework or even why are you so tired today? For neuro-typical kids I'm often told straight away - she took my toy, I don't like my teacher or I'm feeling a bit ill.  Often in children with autism all you have is clues.  This may be because like around 25% of individuals with autism your child is non verbal but it can also be because they don't understand they need to tell you.

'Theory of mind' is being able to attribute 'mental states' such as beliefs, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc. to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires, intentions, and perspectives that are different from one's own.  My eldest son for example has a unique application of empathy in this post because he finds this difficult.

To help me through the day I often have to understand that it's not just that my sons see the world differently - it's often that they assume I see it like they do, with all their knowledge, emotions, intentions etc too.

This morning, like most mornings, David stood by the bed and clearly signed 'breakfast'. This is great.  It used to be that when David was hungry he would sit down at the kitchen table or by a snack cupboard and wait.  This was not David's way of communicating with me - he didn't understand he needed to tell me he was hungry.  He knew he was hungry so as far as David was concerned everyone knew.  Eventually he would become frustrated and now, just like this morning, David communicates mostly in sign to tell us when he wants something to eat such as meals, food items or drinks.

I think David has developed a basic level of the Theory of Mind which helps him function better in these situations.  He has learned to communicate his needs, but this doesn't necessarily mean he understands the Theory of Mind.  My older son, Anthony, communicates quite well but that doesn't change what he perceives. 

This morning Anthony informed me (again) that he had seen a double rainbow on the way to swimming yesterday.  His father was taking him to his 1:1 swimming lesson while I was at home caring for the other kids. Due to the way Anthony processes light he tends not to look at rainbows (follow by blog to see a post on sensory processing soon) so asked me about what it looked like.  Naturally I had little to offer as I was at home.  Anthony found this confusing.  He knew there had been a rainbow so why didn't I?  Even when I explained that I was in our house and couldn't see the sky, Anthony suggested I should have looked outside to see it.  He was still assuming that l had the same knowledge as he so I had known it was there.

Despite explaining that no one had told me about the rainbow so I didn't see it the conversation fizzled and we moved on.  Fortunately I didn't need to guess my way through any other confusing situations or conversations.  Anthony put on his coat, David finished his breakfast and along with Jane and I, we got into the car to set off for school.

Autism and misunderstandings of empathy

My son often appears unsympathetic. He has difficulty recognising his own feelings. But on Monday he astounded staff at school with his excessive empathy.

Today is Wednesday and I was, until the school drop off this morning, fairly unaware of what an eventful day Tuesday had been. Anthony is seven years old and attends a mainstream (regular) school but is supported in his class and throughout the school day by a Teaching Assistant (TA), or Learning Supping Assistant (LSA) full time.

Like many children, Anthony is not very good at telling his parents what he did at school on any day. Even if he does discuss activities, I often find his discussion disjointed and difficult to understand. This week he had mentioned that he had become angry at school but he wasn't angry anymore. This is not unusual for Anthony; he can become angry over very small issues, particularly if he is over stimulated. It turns out he was talking about one of the 'Tuesday events', two of which I'd like to briefly share as Anthony's wonderful way of empathising.

Empathy can be broken down into understanding what others are thinking or feeling, sometimes known as 'cognitive empathy', and 'affective empathy', being able to respond to that with an appropriate emotion. According to some studies, individuals on the autism spectrum may experience one or both of these areas, not being able to figure out what people are feeling or what to do about it.

Children with additional needs are sadly at higher risk of bullying. This can be for many reasons and you can follow my blog as I will undoubtedly cover this topic in the future. On Tuesday two boys who were three years older than Anthony started to bully him in the playground. As it should be, this was noticed by staff, some of whom were quite emotional due to the nature of the bulling. But what happened next surprised them all. Anthony didn't want to tell any more staff at the school because he didn't want the bullies to be in trouble and he didn't want them to become sad.

Anthony has been picked on before. Often this is due to him not understanding what's happening in play. One day a spitting game with boys became a spitting at Anthony game. These few incidents have always been dealt with very well and quickly. Anthony has understood that the children were not being nice anymore and were being naughty. But on Tuesday Anthony was far more concerned with the feelings of others than himself. He was concerned that the bullies would be sad because they were in trouble, that their parents would be disappointed in them, or that they might get sent to the Headmasters office. What a wonderful example of caring for others above yourself.

On the same day, a child in Anthony's class was telling a friend that a boy had hurt his arm falling off a swing. Anthony misunderstood the conversation and thought the boy had broken his classmates arm. Anthony immediately got very angry and had to be taken out of the class and the classmate had to come and explain that their arm was OK. The little boy that had hurt his arm was OK. The little boy had fallen off a swing - no one had hurt anyone. However, Anthony had jumped to the defence of his classmate with such conviction it took a while before he could be sure all was OK. He was so over whelmed that it took time before he could even 'hear' what was being said to him. Anthony may not have got either of the 'parts' of empathy right here.

We talk to our son about bullying and about helping himself to calm down when he gets angry. But, despite his odd behaviour in both situations, I was very proud of his actions.

External Links

Research Project: Empathy in Autism - Autism Research Centre (ARC)

Bullying UK -Advice if your child is bullied because is disability or special needs http://ht.ly/SktcQ 

www.stopbullying.gov - special needs