What I see now my autistic sons are at school

I visited a playgroup I haven't been to in over a year.  In fact I haven't been to it much since David was really little. I tried to go for a while before David went to preschool.  Honestly I tried.

I hate playgroup

I hate playgroup. It's not always been the case, but three kids in and I'm now happy to admit it. Because the thing is.. the playgroup is only as good as the people who go there.

So, what am I saying... I don't like the people at the playgroup at the moment?  Maybe? However,  I have identified that I feel like this almost exclusively at this time of year.

We live in a busy area, there are a lot of playgroups but whether they are great or not they always fill up really quickly.  This means that you get different people at the playgroups every week.  Sometimes your friends will get in and sometimes there will be people you don't know... and sometimes people you'd rather not go to a play group with.  The people who sit or stand talking, ignoring their kids.

I get it. It's as much a break for mum as it is for the child but it's not about abandoning your terrible two, three or four year old to the vortex of the  room and ignoring them at every opportunity.

I've seen kids crying with no mum coming to the rescue until a volunteer or another caring parent has basically sorted it out.  I've seen kids being pushed away by their mums  or childminders whilst they are on the phone or chatting. But the worst are the one's who let their kids do anything they want.

This might be why it happens worst at this time of year.  One half of the kids in the playgroup are going to school next year and their mum has just had the confirmation through that their child is going to the cool school down the road. These kids are bigger and maybe mum and them have this strange artificial sense of independence and superiority that means they are let loose to the detriment of the other kids and parents present.

One little girl needed help at the craft table... her carer or mother was no where to be seen.  After helping Jane I offered her some help with the glue.  She was giving it a good go but making a terrible mess that was accidentally destroying several other kids makes. And I helped clear up the very sticky mess. The mess wasn't the only thing that was sticky... this kid then stuck to me.

I'm happy to help out but I tend to use playgroups as another play opportunity with my kid.  Yes, I can grab a cuppa, catch up, but I'm also playing shops, helping Jane dress up or reading a book.  After a while I was doing this with Jane and this other little girl. And then it got worse.  The little girl started to demand all my attention.  Maybe that's why mummy needed to disappear (seriously where was she) whilst the little girl now decided that I wasn't allowed to play with my own daughter to the point of trying to remove Jane's dressing up clothes.   Quite rightly, Jane went nuts. "She's not being very nice of me," she cried.  

Jane  and I are fairly used to standing up for ourselves. Jane has two older autistic brothers at home who are both full on during their play and fairly selfish with toys. I'm used to a fair amount of attention.  Perhaps I should have stood up for Jane earlier?  I'm happy to help other kids but it's really not my place to be their mum when their own parental interest has waned.

I'd just about calmed Jane down for snack time and sat her next to a little boy whose mother was stood behind him chatting to another mum. It was a busy so I grabbed my tea and stood watching around the other side of the table.  Jane was calmly eating her biscuit when the little boy turned and pushed her so hard it tipped her off her chair. It was enough for several mums to go 'ooooh' when she fell but little boy's mum barely blinked.

I came round the table to pick up Jane who was actually crying at this ladies feet and got there only just before another mum who had been watching and askes if she was ok (Thank you). I grabbed Jane's biscuit and took her to the side to calm down.  The little boys mum.... ruffled his hair and patted him on the head without breaking eye contact with her friend.

What did I miss?

Has there been a new study that says if your kid is a bully in playgroups they grow up to be highly successful? That saying to your kid, "pushing people isn't very nice" could damage their potential?

I actually knew this mum from when I used to go to playgroups with my autistic kids (that didn't happen for long).  I couldn't help wondering if she was in some way punishing my little girl for bringing my boys along previously?  Surely not?

We didn't stay for much longer.. and as I left I was disappointed.  Everyone has good and bad days, mums and kids included. Being a mum is hard and I see a lot of people moaning about how hard it can be.  I know it's hard being a mum, but being a kid is harder.  Yes they need help with clearing up, learning new skills and sharing, but they also need help with learning what's right from wrong and good behaviour.  It wouldn't have been ok for Jane to push someone, so why is it ok for someone to push Jane?

And it's not my job to tell other mum's how to do their job.. but if the playgroup is teaching Jane that snatching is ok and pushing is ok.. then it's not ok for us.  She gets pushed enough at home by kids who can't know better.  We can happily play somewhere else. Woe betide the little boy when the girls start getting bigger, he might learn his lesson the hard way. I wonder if his mum will have any interest by then?  

Links
Our blog - Should I tell off another mum?
Our blog - Talking to other mums - dinosaur and kitten chat

Talking to other mums - dinosaur and kitten chat

It can be difficult to talk to other mums about your kids when your kids have additional needs and theirs don't.  It's not that I have difficulty talking about my kids.  It's just almost impossible to talk about my boys without mentioning that they are on the autistic spectrum.   Conversations just fizzle out or become difficult because the other parent and I have very different experiences and we struggle to find common ground.  It's like they are bringing up kittens and I have dinosaurs.

Take for example this week at a playgroup.  Now that my boys are both at school I've been trying to enjoy quality time with Jane at regular playgroups.  We couldn't attend 'normal' playgroups with my boys as it was too stressful for me, the boys, other kids and the other mums.  Now it's just Jane and I during the day, I've been back in the playgroup rota.  Sadly a study early this year found that nearly a quarter of new mothers felt isolated.  Playgroups are great.  Along with other things, they provide a way to get out and meet other mums.  I'm not with my dinosaurs today, so surely I'll get some regular kitten conversations?

Within minutes the question arises, "Is Jane your only child".  I reply that I also have two boys at school.  "Oh really, that must be a handful(!), which schools?"  And that's it; the answer means the conversation is about the boys and their ASD. Then despite me asking about their kids the conversation stops.  Sometimes it feels like I should just wear a badge "I also have autistic kids - there, now let's talk about something else".  

It turns out that talking with others isn't just something that my autistic sons have difficulty with.  I recently went mad on a SEN chat forum as a way of connecting with others who understood. But the good news is that I do get to have adult conversations, often it's with the volunteers running the playgroups and, you've guessed it, other mums of kids with additional needs that are there too.  There are also SEN parent activities and most of all with our loving family and friends. These guys are all comfortable with my dinosaur/kitten chat and are happy to roar and purr with me appropriately.

External links

Me Too & Co

National Autistic Society (NAS) local group search