Siblings, lies and untruths

"That's a lie."

"No, it's not."

I can not even hazard a guess at how many times I've heard this exchange in our house over the last few weeks. Part of this is due to Anthony, our eight year old autistic son who has never told me a lie in his life.  Never.  And he also has difficulty in understanding when someone is lying, and someone is playing or joking around.

Anthony's first experience of guilt

If you have read 'Our terribly truthful child' you will know that Anthony is a seven year old boy with autism who has never told a lie, ever. But, that doesn't mean he has never done anything wrong.  And as of last week, it doesn't mean that he's never felt guilty either. 

One of Anthony's special interests, which is nearing an obsession at the moment, is playing a app game called Marvel Champions. Special interests are very common with autism. As Ambitious About Autism say, 'people with autism tend to be more all-or-nothing than most people: something is either absolutely not interesting or absolutely fascinating.' An obsession is a special interest taking over your life or your ability to function due to an inability to stop thinking about or doing your obsession. 

Marvel Champions is just on this border at the moment and it was this game that led to Anthony's first experience of guilt.  Usually Anthony only plays the game when his father is home. This allows some control for us. Sometimes Anthony's father can't be at home because of work or something else and then Anthony is allowed to play the game with certain restrictions. One of these restrictions is that Anthony is not allowed to spend the game tokens without asking his dad. So, if his dad isn't there then Anthony has to wait. 

Last week this proved to difficult and when asked to come down the stairs for dinner Anthony burst into tears. It took me a while to work out that Anthony wasn't crying because he'd accidentally spent his game tokens. He was upset because he was having difficulty reconciling the fact that he had chosen to spend the game tokens despite knowing he shouldn't. 

My son cried for nearly an hour. Then had his swimming lesson and then started crying again. At one point I thought we weren't going to get him to stop crying in order to get into the pool. His whole concern was about how sad and disappointed his dad was going to be. 

It's interesting that Anthony would get so upset by this. He barely blinks when he does some other things that 'disappoint' us like for example hurting his sister, or not trying to do homework. I think it's the first time he's really felt guilty about something. 

I'd tried several strategies and then finally told Anthony a story from when I was a little girl and did something similar and how I felt about the fact that it had upset my parents. Anthony was mesmerised. It culminated in a phone call to my own father to get him to re-tell the story again and explain how my own father had  felt about my 'crime'. 

In many ways I think this shows Anthony maturing. He has always struggled with interpreting his own and others feelings. My heart when out to him. Feeling guilty is awful, but in some way I'm pleased that he's been able to achieve this milestone and that I was allowed to work through it with him. 

Links
Our Blog - Our terribly truthful child
Our Blog - Autism and the misunderstandings of empathy

External links
Ambitious About Autism - Obsessions and Special Interests

Our terribly truthful child

Are we the most fortunate parents in the world? Our eldest son is 7 years old and he has never told me a lie. Never.

This doesn't mean he has never done anything wrong. Anthony will freely admit when he has been naughty and understands about the 'naughty step'.  He will offer up his guilt upon the first request of 'what happened here' and will even explain if he did it on purpose or if the event was actually an accident. Anthony has been diagnosed with ASD since he was 4 years old. He has always been literal and taken what he is told and sees as fact, which has proved difficult at times such as interpreting what is real and what is fiction on the television for example.   

Initially we thought he may have difficulty with thinking forward to the consequences of him being truthful and so saw no point in deceit. But there was a short while when Anthony would claim he didn't want to tell me something because he thought I'd be disappointed in him so I know he can think ahead.  At the time I assured him that no matter what he thought, I always wanted him to tell me the truth and he seems to have stuck to this.

But it's not all cheery cheery.  Anthony has wonderfully mocked some of my cooking as 'not being as good as normal', regularly declares I'm not being very nice to him when I'm helping other siblings instead and has mentioned to several relatives that they will mostly likely die before he does.

Today is the first day of the half term holidays that the whole family will be able to do something together.  Anthony has been very excited about his father not going to work.  However, yesterday he also confirmed that the main reason for this is not because he will get to spend time with his dad.  Instead, Anthony is looking forward to spending time with his dad's phone.  The Marvel Champions game has not been downloaded onto any of our other devices because they are on different accounts so Anthony can only play it when his dad, and therefore his dad's phone is at home. 

I sigh and then smile. Lucky Anthony.  A short while ago he also confided that he totally loved his dad and that his dad was his best friend.  And that was a wonderful truth to hear. He'll get to spend a few days now playing The Marvel Champions game sitting next to his best mate.  And of course, I'm the most fortunate mother in the world.

Links
Our blog - A little bit of obsessions in action
Our blog - Anthony's first experience of guilt