There are some things you never expect your children to say.
Anthony is crushing his forehead with his hands. He's making a haunting noise that's a cross between a scream and a growl. And then he said, "Please, kill me, then make me again with a brain that works properly."
Sometimes I wonder if our son is aware of his difficulties. Anthony has autism, ADHD and a bit of hypermobility and
anxiety thrown in for good measure. He knows some things, like he finds it difficult to sit still and has someone help him at the school. But this was the first time I've been stopped in my tracks by his awareness.
It was over something as simple as copying a sum from a screen onto a piece of paper.
Anthony was converting a picture sum into a column addition. He was doing the sums very well but after a short time started to struggle. His poor motor skills meant he wasn't always lining the numbers up correctly and he started to forget what he needed to do to work the sum out. "Ohhh mum, my brain and fingers are being very naughty," he said. A few sums later and he was becoming annoyed and upset by his own inabilities.
"Kill me," he screamed. "Please, kill me, then make me again with a brain that works properly."
Can you imagine?
I felt my heart thump in my chest, like a booming base drum. Where was the next beat...?. The world suddenly seemed in slow motion. I felt my eyes widen and glisten as my stomach shivered. Then I couldn't tell where my failing heart ended and my stomach started. Oh son. On the outside I held it together, inside I was a mess.
You see, Anthony's brain works differently as part of his autism. He processes everything differently. Sometimes this makes things more challenging and sometimes he sees things in a
wonderful way that no one else does. Anthony has also been diagnosed with ADHD. This is an added complication. Not only does his mind work differently, but then he also loses focus, making some tasks even more challenging.
Anthony knows he can copy sums. He knows he can work out the answers. He's learned to overcome difficulties with sensory input and seeing things differently.... and then his mind fails him again with concentration. Please, give my kid a break, I thought.
Of course I hugged him, helped him focus and worked him through the sum. I said he had done his sums very well and he could finish.
No more homework for him tonight. I was relieved, to say the least, when he told me he didn't want to die. That he was just frustrated and being a literal thinker he was pretty sure the only way to get a new brain was to die first, and he didn't want that. Perhaps I'll talk to him about neurosurgery later...much later.
We've always been in agreement that Anthony should know about his autism, ADHD etc when it seems right. And we are now on the edge of labelling Anthony's conditions for him. He knows he has
hypermobility. When the physiotherapist gave him exercises to do it made sense to tell him. He says his knees are being silly. Perhaps it's no surprise that he thinks his
brain is malfunctioning and being 'naughty'. He has commented before that his brain is not doing as he asks.
I know we'll highlight all the good things about him. It's not going to be a brand new thing, we've been drip feeding him the idea for a while. But I'm still extremely nervous. I feel that thump... thump in my chest again just thinking about it. Anthony's unexpected outburst means it's time for us to do what we've been expecting. However he reacts, we'll be there to support him. But it is time to tell him. It's time he had the opportunity to understand himself.
If you have stories about telling someone you love about a condition they have..please feel free to share your link. Email me if you don't wish to use the comments box and I'll add your link for you.
